Compassion is Learned

I'm learning each day that the joys of motherhood come with challenges of automatic parenting (like I was parented) vs. parenting the way I want to parent, which is with respect, compassion and harmony. I find the lessons here on communication transfer neatly into my professional life and allows me to be more productive as others respond with the same respect, compassion and sincerity. Harmonious communication really makes life a whole lot easier.

Here is a story from Inessa Love of Connection Times' Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a DC based organization focused on supporting relationships of all kinds.


The Power of Not Knowing
"I just don't know what to do," said Garry in exasperation. There was only 20 minutes left before leaving for the airport, to go on a trip which they planned as a family for several months. He was really looking forward to it. But now, his 11 year old son, Roman, said he did not want to go! Garry was fuming inside - what do you mean you don't want to go! What about all the talking, planning, family waiting to see them, money spent on the tickets. He was frustrated and confused, while quickly considering his choices. Should he cancel the trip? No, that would be a waste of their money and a lost opportunity for fun and connection he was sure they all would enjoy. Should he force his son to go? This was tempting. He could promise a reward: If you go, I will buy you that cool robot you wanted at the store last week. Or he could make a threat: If you don't agree to go, no TV for a week. He could pull out a guilt-trip: How could you say that! Don't you know how much money the tickets cost us? Don't you care about the family? And what about your cousins who are waiting for you to come - you cannot disappoint them, can you? Come one, be a good sport.

Garry was not happy with his options. Neither giving up on the trip, nor forcing his son to go was in line with Garry's intentions - to parent with compassion, to create connection and to value and honor everyone's needs. He was stuck. And then he did the most genuine and authentic thing - he told his son: "I just don't know what to do!" That caught Roman's attention. He was surprised and wanted to hear more. Garry continued: "I don't want to cancel the trip that we've invested so much of our time and energy for, and I don't want to force you to go." This was the truth - a genuine expression from the heart. Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication, asserts that we all are born with an innate capacity for compassion - we just need the right conditions for the compassion seeds to sprout and grow.

When our children see us struggle - not as a parental "know-it-all-always-right" figure, but as a human being in distress - their seeds of compassion begin to grow. "I'll go" Roman said. It was not a giving up or a submission to an authority. It was a genuine reaching out to his Dad. "I'll do it because it is important to you," the Dad could almost hear him say. They went to the airport and had a wonderful trip. On the one side, what Garry did was the simplest thing to do - just be authentic with his child and share his struggle with him. But it was also the most difficult thing to do - to step down from the "pedestal" of "the almighty parent" and into his own humanity, with its struggles and vulnerability. And it gave Roman room to think for himself, rather than follow blindly his Dad's direction. Our days as parents are filled with the commands we bark out to our children: "Don't throw sand...I said stop that... finish your dinner first ...don't hit your brother...brush your teeth... put that stick down, you could break a glass with it... don't push... don't play at the table... don't yell." This is just a short sample a child might hear on any given day.

How often do they hear a parent say "I just don't know what to do"? This is not intended as blame: "Why don't you ever learn, I just don't know what to do with you." It only really "works" if it is genuine. Just lay out the problem at hand and describe both sides of the situation. Then take a step back and let them solve it: "You want to watch one more episode of Bob the Builder, and I'd like to get ready for bed because I am tired. I don't want to stay up much longer and I don't like forcing you to stop. I just don't know what do to. Do you have an idea?" "You don't like the soup I made, and I don't want to make anything else right now; plus I want to make sure you get a healthy meal. I don't know what to do. Can you think of anything?" "It seems that you want to play with the piano and your sister wants to do the same. I don't know what do to. Can you figure it out?" See what your child will come up with. You might be surprised at the creativity of the proposed solutions, and likely be amused at a glimpse of how your children see the world. Don't forget to thank them for coming up with an idea, even if it is completely unrealistic.

With this approach, not only will they get an invaluable practice in solving everyday problems, they are more likely to feel more compassion for you as a parent and learn to appreciate all the juggling involved in making the family function. Plus, they are likely to have a head start to become independent thinkers, to gain confidence in their abilities and to grow into empowered and independent adults. These are all the great benefits you could gain, at a small cost of some humility and vulnerability. Perhaps you might even feel more compassion for yourself and the challenging role you have as a parent. "I just don't know" might possibly become one of the most powerful things you could say.

Children Learn What They Live

Source: Subconsciously Speaking:March/April 1996

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with acceptance and friendship, they learn to find love in the world.

Glue... It Works.

I know she's young, barely able to say the word glue ("goo"), but Victoria at just 2yrs old is drawn to it like corporations to government bailouts.

Glitter, plastic eyes, the house keys... she simply trusts that whatever she applies glue to will stick and stay stuck.

What about those items, like the oversized doll, or - oops, daddy's wallet that just won't stick to the working paper no matter how much of the globby, non-toxic, stuff is used?

No worries, she focuses on those items that do stick to her current project, and dismisses all others. They're simply not worth her time right now as she learns what does work with her current tool... goopey glue.

Such is the lesson of the year for us all... focus on what works with the tools you have, dismiss what doesn't. It's simply not worth our time.